August 2010

 By Dr Francis Macnab

Six months ago a patient (call him Richard) came to Cairnmillar seeking relief for something that had been troubling him for many years.

Richard’s mother (call her Mavis) had died six months prior, aged 83. Two weeks before she died Mavis called Richard and his brother to her bedside and said she was sorry for the way she had treated them both from their early childhood.

By Richard’s account, Mavis had been a very nasty and negative mother and neither Richard nor his brother could ever seem to please her. Even today, both in their fifties, they are still distressed by the memories of her contradictions and punishment.

At the time Mavis called them in to say she was sorry it seemed easy enough for the brothers to tell her that they forgave her. After all, she was dying. But because of her dying words they are both now stuck with memories and guilt when in fact she was the guilty party.

Mother is Always Right!

All throughout their lives Mavis was always right and the brothers were always wrong. This has affected Richard’s self confidence, relationships, and of course, his happiness.

This case illustrates that a person is affected by having negative, critical people around them. It affects the way a person thinks about themselves, relates to other people, and how they generally feel. This can be compounded when that person is a parent.

The good news is that though the way that someone thinks about themselves and behaves may be influenced by significant others, it is essentially a behavior that can be worked through. It is possible to find other ways to think about yourself and relate to others.

The Role of Therapy

Psychological therapy helped Richard to recognise and make sense of the influence that his mother’s behaviour had on him. It provided ways to minimise this influence and develop a healthier view of himself that is distinct from the negative one that he had learned from his mother. It also helped Richard to find alternative ways of relating to other people, which helped to improve his overall mood and self confidence.