Knowing Yourself and Your Partner: A Model for Helping Love Come Alive
by Dr James Donnelly Ph.D. (Clinical) MSc (Clinical) BSc (Bio Sci Hons) MAPS
In my decades-long journey as a clinical psychologist and neuroscience researcher, I’ve dedicated myself to deciphering the complex dance of the human brain and body within the context of romantic relationships, striving to shed light on ways to enhance and refine treatments for couples. The information from a wide range of scientific and clinical disciplines can be combined into what I have found to be a useful, enhanced biopsychosocial model*
In the world of love and relationships, neuroscience has taught us a lot about how our minds work. Cognitive neuroscience has added to biopsychosocial models and approaches that were first proposed in the 1970s and have been applied in various medical and psychology settings. In particular, selective attention that occurs automatically and is affected by physical and emotional state can affect what we believe is happening and what behaviours we choose in our response. Using a model that takes biological, psychological and social factors into account can be someplace to start when trying to understand the complex sensory and physical systems, emotions, thinking and behaviours involved in successful loving relationships and conflict that can bring couples to therapy. Each person’s experience in their family of origin, prior relationships or culture, as well as temperamental, physical health, and genetic factors can set the stage for success, or vulnerability to maladaptive behaviour in current relationships. It’s important to look at all these factors when we’re trying to understand relationships and resolve conflicts.
As a therapist, my job is to create a safe space for couples to communicate and explore their own thoughts and emotions. I help them navigate through past hurt and misunderstandings to find new understanding and appreciation for each other. Importantly, the willingness to explore the personal systems involved may be lost as resentment over past betrayals, broken trust and violations of expectations have caused both to withdraw and defend rather than pursue a new understanding. Whatever happens gets interpreted through a lens that can trigger old wounds and therefore perpetuate the conflict and maintain what may feel like a relatively safe, but unsatisfying distance. It can be tough, but it’s worth it to improve the relationship.
In general, the system typically works like this; it starts with selective attention. What is in the environment is neutral, you selectively attend to just part of what is going on outside and inside you based on a complex set of pre-programmed neurophysiological facts, one’s knowledge, and personal needs. You instantly attach a meaning by applying your cognitive powers to make sense of what you saw, heard, felt or smelled. The meaning is what matters. Our brains work in incredible ways! Within a fraction of a second, we process information from our surroundings and assign meaning to it. You make an amazingly rapid check against your own desires, needs, rules, beliefs, commandments and prior knowledge to make some basic decisions. First, is this important to you? Next, is this a good or bad thing, or both, according to all that stuff you just did to make sense of what you just sensed? You may then immediately judge whether you have the physical, mental, emotional, financial, social or other resources to handle whatever is going on.
If it’s important to you, emotions happen but which emotion and its intensity depends on what you think. Next step, you search your repertoire of behaviours, either consciously or unconsciously, and then you do something in response. Sometimes what you do is just keep sensing to collect more information but note that your personal biases come into play. You will narrow what you attend to; you may automatically look for evidence in the environment or your memory that supports your fears, wishes, or well-established beliefs, and ignore other seemingly obvious information that may be staring you in the face. This can lead to a cycle where our actions affect our environment, and vice versa.
You can observe this process in your own life by paying attention to your reactions in different situations. Notice how your emotions and thoughts change based on what you sense and how you choose to act. Note what you sense, why might it be important to you, what meaning do you attach, do you have an emotional reaction, what is it? What do you choose to do? Did your selective attention shift? Did something in you or outside of you change because of what you chose to do? Did your emotions change after you acted or decided to do nothing?
Emotions can feel like they are automatic or just a reflex over which we have no control, but frequently they are reflective of a thought or belief process. For example, anxiety usually suggests that you believe something bad will happen in the future, you will have no control over it, and you believe you have insufficient resources to cope. Anger is usually related to the belief that someone is doing something to you on purpose and it is thwarting your attempt to meet relationship and personal goals. How each person operates in interpersonal situations can vary, especially when it comes to dealing with emotions. Some sense their emotional reaction then come to some understanding as to why they reacted emotionally, while others can articulate the reasoning for why a situation led to their behaviour but have minimal understanding of the emotions that drove their behaviour or why their partner is emoting. Some emotions may not be allowed.
In therapy, couples get to explore these potential differences in style or biopsychosocial tendencies. The process may begin with voicing reasons why members of a couple do not want to explore their own experiences or those of their partner. They may feel unsafe, resentful, or a lack of trust in their partner if they allow themselves to be vulnerable again. Arming each person with the ability to sense their own personal physical reactions tied to emotions can create a new source of information; they can be an early warning system that your selective attention is shifting, old beliefs are being triggered, and old behaviour patterns are about to happen. It is also essential to understand the important reasons for staying the same, what functions are served by current ways of thinking and behaving? Learning about what drives selective attention, what automatic beliefs get triggered, and what each person chooses to do to cope with emotional reactions as they try to get what they truly want, can help make love come alive and start working again.
About The Cairnmillar Institute:
The Cairnmillar Institute (CMI) is a leading not-for-profit centre for psychological services, education, and research. Dedicated to promoting Better Mental Health™, CMI offers a range of high-quality psychology and counselling programmes that focus on evidence-based treatments and education. CMI is committed to making a positive impact on the lives of individuals, families, and communities by providing innovative and accessible mental health care and education. CMI also offers free or low-cost counselling to carers and has a variety of practitioners available for appointments immediately across our 4 sites. Click here to request an appointment.
About Dr James Donnelly Ph.D. (Clinical) MSc (Clinical) BSc (Bio Sci Hons) MAPS:
Dr Donnelly applies a biopsychosocial model in working with clients with a wide range of presenting issues across the age range; how unique attention, values and beliefs, behavioural repertoires and vulnerabilities interact are explored to promote wellbeing. Individual therapy for mood disorders with children, adolescents, adults, and older adults, have included work on coping with life transitions, grief and loss, and medical illness and neurological disorders. Dr Donnelly has extensive experience in providing clinical support for those dealing with workplace stress, and compassion fatigue, and the challenges that can arise when parenting or maintaining intimate or family relationships.
When not at work, he tries to practice good self-care by eating well, riding his bicycle, swimming, and spending time with family and friends. Dr Donnelly brings rich life experience from all over the US and in regional and urban Australia, serving as a father, brother to nine siblings, and a Vietnam-Era Veteran, being an athlete who recovered from injury, and making the move to his true home in Australia, in 2001.
*More Information on the Biopsychosocial Model of Health:
Understanding the Biopsychosocial Model of Health
Biopsychosocial therapy with individuals and couples: Integrative theory and interventions.
Assessment in marital therapy: A couples-centered biopsychosocial approach)